The mystery behind a suicide: Remembering Chris Lightly

There is so much dead space when it comes to a sudden death of sudden suicide. In a group of friends I imagine there is the friend who is speechless with grief, there is the friend that tries to recount every step of the deceased and tries to imagine what happened...and then there is always the friend who gets angry to justify the grief and the secret guilt they feel by playing the selfish card. "This was a selfish act! To leave all their friends and love ones behind! Didn't they care about us?

The state of a suicidal mind is far beyond that of the result of a bad day. Having visited that place a couple of times in my life it is not an easy place to come back from. Granted maybe selfish in the context of the fact that it involved one and ended with one, but never a conscious  " all about me" decision.

When suicide becomes the final option for a person, they in their reasoning have exhausted every possibility. This is where the state " Lonely in a crowded room" can be applied. It is a very dark place that consumes you and results in you walking around in an invisible tomb for lack of a better description. It feels like going under water when you can't swim very slowly... gradually everyone's voice fades in the background. Your love one's, your friends, your prayer partners in all of their kind words began to fade and the water engulfs you more... and all you can wish is for someone to snatch you back.

If you have someone in your life who struggles with depression, who has expressed these thoughts.. do not take it Lightly.... There are always signs.. before someone falls in the water, they tiptoe around it first.

I know in these times where life is starting to feel like a video recorded "facebooked" assembly, things get lost in the shuffle. All I'm saying is... try to care. No one I mean noone wakes up saying today is a nice day to take my life.

Some signs: Retreating from friends and family, sadness most of the time and they can't seem to shake it..a change in look. You know your friend, your sister, your brother..you know when they aren't themselves,,the look in there eyes. Getting things in order freakishly..tying loose ends all of a sudden, talking about wanting to die. When someone has pondered it and lingered, they seem to talk about it with ease...

I hope this helps someone,
Bobyesgirl

"You so crazy!" (Literally) Is our race of people..depressed as a whole?

Have we ever stopped to wonder as African Americans...that maybe we really are "crazy"? I mean really think about this.. We have done all there is to "survive", "make ends meet", "make it" except deal with the trauma of the devastation we endured.

We all heard the stories of how our ancestors survives and made it through but forgetting, is not healing. It's like as a people we are in a sling shot...We THOUGHT we were moving forward, but we have sensed snapped back right to the same mentality we ran from or evolved from. Now.. you say no Angela YOU'RE the crazy one, I am not backwards, I don't have any mental baggage about our enslavement.. Well,  I don't like to argue :) but I will say that I live by the theme of a team is no greater than its weakest member. 

When people get in car accidents, they receive physical and MENTAL therapy as a result to help them over the hump, if they need it. When a mother is making a family planning decision, there is readily available help for her to aid in her choice. Yet, we have endured the ultimate accident, and there was no aid. We didnt think about it I'm sure. Freedom first ask questions later...

But I wonder is that the direct relation to things we inflict on each other.. self hate, poor money decisions, immaturely boasting our monetary gain, wearing everything we own on our bodies, in our cars, in our hair and in our mouth. Is that why alot of our people are obese.. Judging from my own depression issues in the past, they caused me to eat more, make rational decisions about things...

Dare we start a discussion??? Let's I wanna know what you think.

The day my life changed

So.. it's no secret that I struggled with my mental health issues in college. I had beautiful sisters who helped me through it but.. I still struggled none the less. I couldn't concentrate, I thought something was wrong with me...I felt really bad about myself as a person because I said...how could I be mentally ill... I'm normal, average..intelligent even. Not me!
I fought it and fought it until, it got more power. (to be continued later)

Well, here I am years later, wife and mother, great career...and this illness shows itself AGAIN!. Truth is it never leaves...you learn how to cover it up. But honestly there are only so many band aids you can put on a sore until you just have to let it get air to heal.

So here I am sitting in the waiting room of behavioral health center. When I walked in no one paid attention. There were so many other departments to enter into in this place... (Dental office, general physician, WIC even lol) I got no looks until I enter the hallway where only behavioral health was housed. Then the looks started.. The second glances.. of disbelief. I wanted to step outside of myself and look at me too!

I walked up to the desk in the office and thankfully the man was nice. He said may I help you? I said yes I'm here to see a counselor. Then  he asked why and I wanted to die. What was I supposed to say? I'm down all the time and I don't know why? I feel like an outcast to the world? I have uncontrolled thoughts and emotions that disable me on a regular basis? So I said well, I just need to speak with someone..

Happy I came, I sat down still feeling weird. I saw people come in and out and talk about drug addiction. Some came in looking really pained like they had lost someone. Children came with their parents to be seen. All the while I was thinking I don't belong here. Maybe I'm making this up. I  just need to fast and pray it away. Maybe I should just journal. My family would be ashamed of me to know I'm here.

I started to stake out the counselors as they all came to lead the next victim to slaughter. I had already made up in my mind that I didn't want the dread guy because he was a black man, black like me and he would judge me and make my problems seem unreal. Then I saw a black lady,  I felt the same about her..even more so because the way she interacted with her co-workers down the hall. I wanted to get up and leave and figure out a way to deal with myself. But I remembered, I had to do this for my family but mostly for me.

Then a caucasian lady with red glasses came out, and she began taking patients. Very quiet in nature, I had made up in my mind that I would choose her! Little did I know she was done for the day and the dread head came to lead me to my fate.

GRRRRR!!!!! I WANNA GO HOME! Was all I could think..but I KNEW that I couldn't help myself. Having thoughts of feeling trapped haunted me. Marathon sadness was too much for me. I had already began excommunicate myself from friends family and hid myself from the world. I'd come too far to turn around. So I followed him reluctantly down the hall. He said come on, we'll get you some help.. WHAT!! thats not what I wanted to hear. And all of a sudden a door opens and Ms. M steps out. She calls to him and says I can take her if you have other clients. He turns around and says yes thank you! gives her my file and whisks away.

So there we are Ms. M, me and my pain dressed in clothes. I sit in her chair and she asks what brings me. This time there are no judging eyes, just listening ears. I tell her I am overwhelmed, I tell her I know its not postpartum, I am angry, I feel stupid, I feel unimportant to everyone, and away.

She thanks me for coming in and making the step and reassures me that I was brave for making it.

We filled out some paperwork and she asked me why I came to that center. I told her because it was ten minutes from my house and I didn't have the energy to go any further. She took note of it and told me that she would be calling me later in the week to confirm or deny my intake (because they were full and sometimes refer patients to other clinics) . After we spoke a little more, we said our goodbyes. I picked up my sadness and we walked back out into the world but I will mention that after seeing Mrs. M, my sadness was still heavy but I walked a little lighter....

If a mental challenge had a face would it look like mine?

Yes it would and it does...
I am a wife, mother, award winning entertainer, daughter, sister, medium cook, traveler, avid reader, and life lover. I also suffer from Bi-Polar. What? Why? ..Right?

It's nothing I've done, or said, or didnt say. I'm not a freak lol..I wont walk up to you and slap you. I'm a normal person...with an illness.

My reason for this blog is because I wanted to start the dialog about mental health in any community but mostly in the minority communities. There are those of us who recognize that mental illness is a problem but there are those who think it's a cop-out, an excuse. Saying oh just: pray about it, or sleep it off. Not to disregard anyone's advice but there are times when a person can not mentally do these things....

So, follow me thru this journey, comment, laugh, cry...whatever, as I share my world according to my head !lol

Talk to you soon and happy healthing!